Okay, I'm sorry it took me so long to comment, but I'm finally done with exams! Yay!
First, as kind of an overview, I'm going to tell you how I viewed these poems and hopefully I got it right...or at least the main idea right. To me, this seems like a narrative where the main character has stabbed himself over the girl that he is in love with, but she's rejected/hurt him. The first poem represents the moments right after he's hurt himself and he's still kind of in shock about the whole situation. His mind if racing and his thoughts are increasingly disjunct as he is bleeding to death. The shape of the poem itself represents this and, along with the red font, reminds me of a pool of blood increasing in size. I like how you used lines like "my back my scars she punctured ripped me" to show how the main character views the girl as his killer and not himself. He views himself as the victim of a murder rather than suicide--like he didn't have a choice. "Will i die here lapping and will i mean something-face down-does she know i-i bleed for her-she will she her she will she remember." Here, it seems he's searching for a higher meaning to his life. He's also out to hurt the girl as much as she's hurt him by forcing her to live with the guilt of his death for the rest of her life, but at the same time, he's worried she still won't notice him. I don't really understand the "not skittle red" line or the line "i would've drowned in church" towards the end of the poem, but maybe I'm not meant to or maybe it will become clear later? Otherwise, I think this poem clearly conveys the narrative and the feelings of the main charcter. It's eerie and very real. I'm really impressed with this one.
I take it that this is a flashback that the narrator is having as he is dying on the wood floor.
The nervousness of the narrator is well shown through the use of repetition. After reading the first paragraph of this poem, I was almost dizzy and out of breath myself. That was an awesome structural choice because it caused me to really feel like i WAS the narrator for a moment, which is hard to accomplish!
I feel like the description of the speakers feelings as he arrives at her house and over the course of the date as slightly gruesome and maybe somewhat excessive; however, so is killing oneself over a failed relationship. Also, I feel like some of the lines might actually be refering to the narrator's current condition as he begins to die. He seems to be mixing the past with the present (i.e. "my heart is barely pumping i am so nervous," "i hope my lung collapses later after i drop her back off," and "i hope she doesn't taste the blood in my mouth if we kiss").
I like the repetition of the word "strawberry," as it ties this poem in with the first.
I'm not sure what it is about this line, but I really like it. I guess because it's kind of unexpected, but it still makes a sort of logical sense? I don't know...lol.
This poems seems to be at the height of his love/infatuation. She "sparkles" constantly and can do know wrong in his eyes. The lines "i'm choking on strawberry sparkles-i shouldn't have tried to swallow them all-i'm choking and she knows it." seem to convey that she knows how much he loves/is overwhelmed by her, but she is more of a spectator than a participant in the relationship ("i'm choking and she knows it" brings to mind a mental picture of him choking and her just standing there watching without trying to save him). It seems like she could've saved him if she really wanted to, but she didn't...and he's still oblivious to everything, so blinded by her "sparkles" that he can't see the truth.
Again, this last poem seems to be mixing the past and the present. The "violent shaking," "sweating," and "shivering" represent him physically shaking and also shaking with anger/horror over what she did. I can't tell if he shot the other guy or if he just wanted to.
The stream of consciousness style works well in this poem and the frantic/broken thought process illustrates the fact that the narrator is close to death. Good choices :)
One thing that I'm going to have to think a bit more about is the role that religion is playing in this series. The mention of church in the first poem threw me off and the same thing happened in this poem. I'm sure you have a deliberate meaning behind it all, I'm just not sure what that is yet!
"God help me Lord make it stop let it end Lord God Lord God stop. amen. stop. amen. stop. amen. st. s."
I do like that he seems to be praying for help and forgiveness all at once and that, in the end, his prayers are answered.
I'm going to have to think about this poem some more, because I feel like I'm missing something...but I'll let you know if I figure out what that something is!
**This is an amazing series of poems. You should definetly try and get them published. I'm not sure if you are still planning on doing 12 poems or if you're leaving it at these 4 (which would work find, in my opinion), but either way...Kudos to you, Mr. Dorton! I'll keep checking for more!**
4 Comments:
Okay, I'm sorry it took me so long to comment, but I'm finally done with exams! Yay!
First, as kind of an overview, I'm going to tell you how I viewed these poems and hopefully I got it right...or at least the main idea right. To me, this seems like a narrative where the main character has stabbed himself over the girl that he is in love with, but she's rejected/hurt him. The first poem represents the moments right after he's hurt himself and he's still kind of in shock about the whole situation. His mind if racing and his thoughts are increasingly disjunct as he is bleeding to death. The shape of the poem itself represents this and, along with the red font, reminds me of a pool of blood increasing in size. I like how you used lines like "my back my scars she punctured ripped me" to show how the main character views the girl as his killer and not himself. He views himself as the victim of a murder rather than suicide--like he didn't have a choice. "Will i die here lapping and will i mean something-face down-does she know i-i bleed for her-she will she her she will she remember." Here, it seems he's searching for a higher meaning to his life. He's also out to hurt the girl as much as she's hurt him by forcing her to live with the guilt of his death for the rest of her life, but at the same time, he's worried she still won't notice him. I don't really understand the "not skittle red" line or the line "i would've drowned in church" towards the end of the poem, but maybe I'm not meant to or maybe it will become clear later? Otherwise, I think this poem clearly conveys the narrative and the feelings of the main charcter. It's eerie and very real. I'm really impressed with this one.
Second Poem!
I take it that this is a flashback that the narrator is having as he is dying on the wood floor.
The nervousness of the narrator is well shown through the use of repetition. After reading the first paragraph of this poem, I was almost dizzy and out of breath myself. That was an awesome structural choice because it caused me to really feel like i WAS the narrator for a moment, which is hard to accomplish!
I feel like the description of the speakers feelings as he arrives at her house and over the course of the date as slightly gruesome and maybe somewhat excessive; however, so is killing oneself over a failed relationship. Also, I feel like some of the lines might actually be refering to the narrator's current condition as he begins to die. He seems to be mixing the past with the present (i.e. "my heart is barely pumping i am so nervous," "i hope my lung collapses later after i drop her back off," and "i hope she doesn't taste the blood in my mouth if we kiss").
I like the repetition of the word "strawberry," as it ties this poem in with the first.
This 3rd poem is my favorite so far.
"4th of July and she is sparkling."
I'm not sure what it is about this line, but I really like it. I guess because it's kind of unexpected, but it still makes a sort of logical sense? I don't know...lol.
This poems seems to be at the height of his love/infatuation. She "sparkles" constantly and can do know wrong in his eyes. The lines "i'm choking on strawberry sparkles-i shouldn't have tried to swallow them all-i'm choking and she knows it." seem to convey that she knows how much he loves/is overwhelmed by her, but she is more of a spectator than a participant in the relationship ("i'm choking and she knows it" brings to mind a mental picture of him choking and her just standing there watching without trying to save him). It seems like she could've saved him if she really wanted to, but she didn't...and he's still oblivious to everything, so blinded by her "sparkles" that he can't see the truth.
Again, this last poem seems to be mixing the past and the present. The "violent shaking," "sweating," and "shivering" represent him physically shaking and also shaking with anger/horror over what she did. I can't tell if he shot the other guy or if he just wanted to.
The stream of consciousness style works well in this poem and the frantic/broken thought process illustrates the fact that the narrator is close to death. Good choices :)
One thing that I'm going to have to think a bit more about is the role that religion is playing in this series. The mention of church in the first poem threw me off and the same thing happened in this poem. I'm sure you have a deliberate meaning behind it all, I'm just not sure what that is yet!
"God help me Lord make it stop let it end Lord God Lord God stop. amen. stop. amen. stop. amen. st. s."
I do like that he seems to be praying for help and forgiveness all at once and that, in the end, his prayers are answered.
I'm going to have to think about this poem some more, because I feel like I'm missing something...but I'll let you know if I figure out what that something is!
**This is an amazing series of poems. You should definetly try and get them published. I'm not sure if you are still planning on doing 12 poems or if you're leaving it at these 4 (which would work find, in my opinion), but either way...Kudos to you, Mr. Dorton! I'll keep checking for more!**
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